"Beep," says Ethel.

"Beep beep," says me.

(This idea from jonno's journal has kinda helped me through the last little while, in an inexplicable type of way.)

I Like

Taking showers. Cashmere sweaters. Listening to quality music while driving long distances. Shy boys. Shy boys with secret wild sides. Waking up to snowy white days. Making out with shy boys with secret wild sides on snowy white days. Driving fast. Getting manicures. Bellinis. Drinking straight rum from the bottle at parties. Reading a good book in the bath. Wearing rings. Arts and Crafts. My fish, Jean Chretien and Condoleeza. Having tea or coffee after dinner. Good hair days. Watching hockey on Saturday nights. Three-ply tissues. My bed. Speaking in class. Traveling on a whim. When people ask me questions. Comfy clothes. Shopping for bargains. Baking challah. Dinner parties with friends. Dinner parties with wine. Attention. Having a "usual" at a restaurant. That I can speak broken Hebrew, French and Yiddish.

I Think

I am the master of my own destiny. Christopher Columbus was a tool. My grade 12 English teacher had an inappropriate affection for me. History is the politics of the past. Smokers are wicked awesome. TV is overrated. Ethel has shown me empathy. Babies are punishments for having sex. Vegans and feminists who spell womyn with a y are a little too passionate. Everyone should be passionate about something. Clark Gable was a stud. Racism isn’t always ignorance; sometimes it’s deliberate. There’s a pill for anything that ails ya. "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Calculus is pretty much useless in the real world. The cello is the sexiest instrument. People should treat others the way they think they’d want to be treated. Technology is too transient for me to bother figuring it all out. Everyone deserves to be happy.

I Need

Better stories. To procrastinate less. To be happy. A club sandwich. Encouragement. Human interaction. Friends. To investigate where Jewish doctors hang out. Fewer bills. Ethel. A gas card billed to a rich old man who thinks I’m sweet. Hair mousse. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing. To lose weight. A kitten that won’t grow up. To explore the world before I die. A cute apartment in the downtown of somewhere I’ve never been. Sweatpants with holes in them.

I Have

6 different skirts for casual wear. Only one pair of pants. Two siblings who love when I come visit. One sibling who's too cool to hang out with me. Unnecessary, bothersome drama. Ghetto puppies in my basement. Decided to call hooded sweatshirts "Bunny Hugs". Green eyes. A flattened coin collection. A box of souvenirs from trips and relationships that is generally too painful to open. Picked up at a museum using the line, "War is so cool". An obscene amount of Canadiens merchandise. A bit of a kleptomaniacal streak. A lot of disdain for Jewish Orthodoxy. A deep love of Jewish tradition. A lot of questions about the world around me. A subscription to the Discovery Channel.

I Am

A grammar enthusiast. A daughter first. Coasting through life as much as possible. Sarcastic when I’m happy. Afraid of the future. Looking for truth. Looking for a nice Jewish doctor to marry. Picking at my nail polish. Easy-going to the point of being manipulated. Better off without __________. Going to be a cranky old woman. A fantastic liar. Wasting time. Going to heaven. Secretly bitchy. A student for life. Attracted to brains, sexy hands and expressive smiles. Counting my blessings. Counting my eggs before they’ve hatched. Whistling Dixie. Beautiful. A failed magician. Open to suggestion.

Currently feeling: cathartized

Today was pretty much a waste for all intents and purposes. But it was useful to me in a number of ways. Number one, I did my hair curly and discovered that the shortness is pretty in a way I can handle, and might even grow to love. It's definitely better than before being all deadish and gross looking. Number two, my parents came home from Italy and showered me with love and a couple of presents made out of leather.

One of the presents was a pocketbook wallet type thing. It's a pattern that's going to get old pretty quick, but for now it's kind of cute. My mother bought a couple bags for herself that are gorgeous, and I want to "borrow". Trouble is, I've "borrowed" things from her before, and she's gotten wiser. Anyways, as I was sorting out things in my purse that were garbage or were going to be making their new home in my pocket book, I came across Kyle's old ISIC card with the picture of him where he looks hot/cute in a way that can only be described as delicious. Thing is, it didn't make me upset when I saw it in the "crap, we just broke up, and I wasn't thinking about it for a while, but now I remember" type way. Rather, for a second I looked at it and remembered how sweet Kyle used to be to me. Point is, I think I'm so upset about this break up because I miss who Kyle used to be. What I need to accept is that the Present Kyle is not the same as old Kyle. Present Kyle is a dick who killed old Kyle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other not surprising news, Bokhaut blew me off tonight.

Bokie: I've got to keep doing my homework...it's just taking me so long.

Me: So, the story I'm supposed to buy is that you're going to be doing homework on a Saturday night. Alright then.

Currently listening to: Joni Mitchell | River

Alright, so my neck is pretty sore because I was fighting to keep my hair out of my eyes all day by flipping my hair. It might be a little too short for my liking. Tomorrow is judgment day in that department, as I'm going to wash my hair out of it's hairdressed state to see just how short some of these curls go. If it afro's again, like in grade five, I'm going to go over to that salon and take a tantrum until they fix it somehow.

Ethel is now a full Canadian. Today we went out and bought winter tires at Price Club. I got to price club 20 minutes before it opened, and there was still a huge line of people waiting to get work done on their cars too. Twenty minutes before opening and I got the last available appointment for the day. Ridiculous!

I was lucky enough to see all my friends this weekend in succession. First, I saw Bokhaut for lunch after I dropped off Kyle's stuff at his house. PS, it went fine, but I might have cried for 15 minutes following. Lunch was good, and Bokhaut did his typical Bokhaut deal and tried to make me feel better, but actually made me feel worse. I end up having to cheer myself up by remembering that he means well. I also went out with Sarah and Leigh and Myriam. Leigh was this girl who Bokhaut has a serious crush on. He's having a hard time getting that she doesn't like him like that. I guess she's just another girl to add to list of girls who think Bohaut is tops, but not in that way. We spent a lot of time retelling Bokhaut foibles. It's a great icebreaker.

Anyways, going out soon in hopes of making myself feel awesome tastic, and maybe meeting a new boy who thinks I'm a sexy lady.

And it seems a little more like normal. It's amazing what an emotional roller coaster this whole week has been. It's been creeping by ever so slowly, that it's like I'm literally able to watch myself in a PMS-like state. The shit part about it, of course, is that I'm watching myself go from abnormally jokey (aka sarcastic to an acerbic extent) to incredibly depressed, but there's no amount of rationalization that can get me back to the middle.

That being said, I'm just happy that today is a good day. I dropped off my paper before I left Kingston. It definitely wasn't my best paper, which sucks, cause I could have done killer on it if I wasn't so cracked out, but it'll do. I'll just have to study extra hard for the final.

Thank god I left Kingston when I did, because just as I was getting into Ottawa, it started to snow hard. And, as many people know, I'm not allowed to drive on the first snow, because I've totalled two cars on the first snow, out of four years of having my license. Not a good track record. If I had waited, I wouldn't have been able to come to Ottawa at all, which is exactly what I needed.

I picked up Wesley and Hayley from school, which was less rewarding because they fought the whole way home. However, in the parking lot of the school, I bumped into my old English teacher from grade eight, and we talked for about 15 minutes. I used to be incredibly intimidated by him, but the conversation we had was actually fairly decent. Probably because I'm 8 years older than the last time I talked to him. We talked about history, about Asia, and that he'd give me a reference if I ever needed it. And I just might take him up on it, if I ever get around to broaching the subject again with him. I know he meant the offer sincerely, but I don't need a reference right now, and it might be awkward to just call him up in the future and ask for one, although I know he'd do it happily. I think I'm the awkward one.

The babysitter watching my brother and sisters went to get her hair cut or something around 3, and didn't return until about 9. All I have to say is that I'm less than impressed. She didn't even call, but said that she forgot the last two digits of our telephone number. And she's right, our number isn't listed. But still. You make it your business to have all 7 digits of the phone number if you're in her position. I picked up pizza for the kids and me before I went out to get my own hair cut, just before it started blizzarding.

And yes, I did skid a lot, and thank christ for the horn, cause I might have slid right into a car slowly making its way innocently into my lane. Idiot. I got my hair cut much shorter than I usually do. Just pushing my shock threshhold a little bit to get me past the tough times. Kyle would definitely not be too thrilled about this haircut, but it's not about him anymore. I'm also thinking of dying my hair with one of those temporary dyes. Like maybe a dark chestnutt...something darker with a touch of red? Suggestions are welcome, just get them in early, cause I'm thinking of doing this next time I wash my hair.

The drive home was okay. I thought it would be harder to get here in one piece without freaking out. But Joni Mitchell and Janis Joplin kept me company. And sadly, Kanye West, too. Damn you, Golddigger song! Why are you so catchy?! You make me dance my horrible white girl dance, which involved entirely too much pointing. But I have to say, "Piece of my Heart" by Janis Joplin was incredibly cathartic to sing, despite my raw throat, from falling asleep with the window opened the other night. I'm definitely an idiot. But then again, so are you.

Tonight hurts. I hate you for making me feel this way. I'm going to be sick.

EDIT>>Misery rising. Old boyfriend asked about new exboyfriend. Old boyfriend still blissfully happy in his nerdy existence with his perfectly nerdy girlfriend. This is why I uninstalled messenger. Thanks a lot, webmessenger.

Gah. I can't wait to go home tomorrow. I might not even sleep before I leave.

For a brief period of time this morning, when I was blowing my nose, air shot out of my eye socket. Thank god Amy was sleeping next to me, cause I freaked out hard. However, it was explained to me that all the sinuses and stuff are connected, so I should not worry. Some people can shoot milk out of their eyesockets.

I was once out strolling one very hot summer's day
When I thought I'd lay myself down to rest
in a big field of tall grass
I lay there in the sun and felt it caressing my face

And I fell asleep and dreamed
I dreamed I was in a Hollywood movie
And that I was the star of the movie
This really blew my mind, the fact that me,
an overfed, long-haired leaping gnome
should be the star of a Hollywood movie

But there I was, I was taken to a place, the hall of the mountain kings
I stood high upon a mountain top, naked to the world
In front of every kind of girl, there was

 

Long ones, tall ones, short ones, brown ones,
black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones...

Out of the middle came a lady
She whispered in my ear something crazy
She said:

Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl
Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl

I thought to myself what could that mean
Am I going crazy or is this just a dream
Now, wait a minute
I know I'm lying in a field of grass somewhere
so it's all in my head
and then.. I heard her say one more time:

Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl
Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl

I could feel hot flames of fire roaring at my back
As she disappeared, but soon she returned
In her hand was a bottle of wine, in the other, a glass
She poured some of the wine from the bottle into the glass
And raised it to her lips
And just before she drank it, she said:

Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl
Spill the wine and take that pearl, Spill the wine and take that pearl

So I went to the library with Amy after making myself the second hotdog of the day. Another would follow. Until the fridge gets fixed (hopefully tomorrow!) hotdogs are the staple, because they stay in the freezer, and buns don't need cold.

I thought that I was going to have a tough time with this paper due on Thursday, especially since tomorrow night I have samba, and then on Wednesday night I'm working from 6-12. I still might have a rough time as far as time being available, but I'll get'er done. There's something so infuriating about this book that just makes me want to scream why he's an idiot onto paper. Five pages of paper, to be exact. And I'll have to make sure this is an organized yelling. I swear to god, I was reading the book and I was mumbling to myself, "you stupid idiot"..."wrong"..."fuck you". It was entertaining for me and Amy.

Tomorrow night Amy and I are going to try to arrange a sleepover. I kind of want to sleep there, but the only thing is, my lower back has been a bit of a bitch lately, so I'm afraid of sleeping on any mattress that didn't cost at least 500 dollars.

This weekend, which starts Thursday afternoon, I'm going to be having a lot of good times with a lot of special people. Hayley and Wesley were really relieved when I told them that they could tell Racheli's mother that I would take them to school and pick them up starting on Thursday afternoon. And I want to make a fire with them and get a movie that we'll all like and make smores and watch it all snuggled up together. Then, after school on Friday, I told them to tell the babysitter that I'd be taking everyone out for dinner. Somewhere not too expensive, but I realize that I've spent so little money recently, except for when I bought something a couple weeks ago for 60 dollars. And, chances are, my father will offer to pay me back for it. They seemed so excited, and so I'm excited to be with them.

Also at some point, I'm going to go out to dinner with Bokie and watch a movie at home like we used to. When he called he seemed really sympathetic to me, even though I hadn't told him anything. Something tells me he's been tipped off. But we're going to talk about his issues with his crazy mom, and I'll probably mention that when he hangs around his JSA friends, he's a total dick, and I'll tell him about Kyle, and Bokhaut will probably say something to try to make me feel better, but it will actually piss me off more. And hopefully we'll watch a movie downstairs in the basement like old times...ie-he choses a movie with either scifi or star wars theme, and I pass out. Then we go upstairs and have a coffee with my father and have a good chat.

I know I'll see Myriam, and Sarah. When I talked to Sarah last night, she actually was crying so hard with me. That's the sign of a friend who really loves you as much as she loves herself. And that's why Sarah and I will always be best friends, no matter what.

That's pretty much it. I'm keeping myself incredibly busy for a reason, and the reason why I uninstalled all my messengers is because I want to be a little isolated. Call me if you want, leave me a voicemail if you want, email, whatever. All of those are good. It's just messaging to me is associated with wasting time, and wasting time lets my mind wander, and for the next week, mind wandering is prohibited. I even have an itinerary of things to think of on the drive back to Ottawa on Thursday. Who knew it would be this hard to shut my brain up? I need to buy some weed of my own, cause once this paper is done, I'm turning my brain off herbally.